Shame Is Not Who You Are: Healing Through Connection

By: Bianca Barratachea

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I recently attended a powerful training on trauma and shame, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much of it applies to the brave, hard work my clients are doing every day. So I wanted to share some of what I learned, especially if shame has been a heavy companion in your life.

One of the most important messages from this training? Shame isn’t who you are, it’s a state you move into, and a state that can change. Shame often shows up in the body: maybe your shoulders hunch, your chest tightens, or you avoid eye contact. You might feel small, not enough, or like you want to disappear altogether. That’s your nervous system trying its best to protect you from something painful, often something that started long ago.

Here’s the thing, trying to “think” your way out of shame usually doesn’t work. You might

logically know that something wasn’t your fault, but still feel like it was. That’s because shame

lives deeper than logic, it lives in your body and old emotional patterns. But just like you learned how to feel shame, you can practice feeling something different.

Feeling safety, connection, even self-compassion. That’s where therapy comes in. The training highlighted something called co-regulation, which basically means healing happens in relationships. When you stay grounded, present, and genuinely connected with yourself, your nervous system begins to feel safer. Slowly but surely, shame can start to loosen its grip.

Sometimes shame shows up as a younger part of you, a child part that took on blame to survive. Maybe that part believed, “If it’s my fault, then I can fix it,” or “If I’m perfect, maybe I won’t get hurt again.” These parts aren’t bad; they’re trying to help. But they don’t have to run the show forever. Part of our work together is learning to recognize those parts, thank them for their efforts, and gently invite your adult self to take the lead.

One of my favorite takeaways from the training was this: “Trauma is overcome through practice, not redemption.” Healing doesn’t come from being “good enough” or perfect. It comes from showing up again and again, being curious, accepting yourself, and being kind even when it’s hard. So if shame feels like it’s woven into your identity, I want you to really hear this: it’s not who you truly are. It’s your mind and body’s way of trying to keep you safe and that can change.

If you’re curious to keep exploring how shame shows up in the body and how healing can begin, there are some powerful resources to check out. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk is a foundational book that explains how trauma is stored in the body and how we can begin to release it. The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté explores how our culture often disconnects us from ourselves—and how reclaiming that connection is essential for healing. This article on "The Power of Glimmers" introduces small, everyday moments that can help regulate your nervous system and build a sense of safety. And if you enjoy podcasts, this episode from Therapist Uncensored offers a relatable, science-backed look at how shame operates and how we can begin to shift it. Healing from shame isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about coming home to yourself with compassion and support.